how to save your marriage

28/02/2012 01:35

There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness." - Friedrich NietzscheThe challenge of addressing crisis in marriage and relationships is personal, subjective, and circumstantial, making it difficult to find customized advice and individualized resources for effective counseling. The vast amount of resources that turn up unfortunately include a lot of inappropriate hype and motivational feel good language - solutions more or less expressed as ideals. Ideals that proclaim an inevitable attitude adjustment along with the premise that your situation is a temporary setback, and through progressive counceling and exercises in personal development, you can be well on your way to resolving your conflict and save your marriage.Maybe that works for some. Unfortunately, for most, it misrepresents the harsh reality and severity of devastation characteristic of a relationship in crisis. Crisis in marriage didn't occur over night, and what happened today, yesterday, and throughout your recent past is a cumulative pattern of behaviors working to sustain the compounding day to day pain and tension that is gradually taking more and more from the very core of the bond you have invested so much in.Simultaneously, you've managed to assess and put in place some measure of assurance for permanence of the love, pride, security, and history you share together throughout your relationship - along with the rewards a fulfilling marriage would bring- to remain intact and protected.A Common Scenario:You've become consumed by events, circumstances and emotions threatening your personal dignity, creating a false, unnatural, contrived sense of self that you don't recognize as anything resembling your true identity. Your dignity and self-esteem have been compromised, and self-preservation seems to be your only means to sanity - or even survival. You have difficulty comprehending your own thoughts, feelings, and behavior, because you are reacting in self-defense to the pressure to manage circumstances beyond your control.Impulsively, you react to and influence each other in many ways that maintain the tension and feed the crisis. In addition to verbal abuse, non-verbal - or emotional abuse - is actually as harmful as physical abuse. It becomes internalized and remembered, and remains there in the form of trauma. We manage this through conscious body language, gestures, countenance, mannerisms, posturing etc... all are clearly recognizable and understood as such. These forms of non-verbal communication far exceed the boundaries of our conventional spoken language. (Looks can kill?) Until you find a way to control this language, you will remain at a stalemate, and favor a separation in the interest of self-preservation.These internal emotions and external circumstances interfere with the unconditional commitment you have made to each other to function together as one - to act in support of what is most beneficial to the marriage, and honor the unity that marriage represents."Everyone goes through a period where they are dealing with break up pain, because everyone goes through a breakup. Rather than allow yourself to suffer while dealing with breaking up pain, what you should do is enjoy yourself and work on healing rather than allowing yourself to become stressed out, overwhelmed or depressed by your heartbreak." - Dr. Phil McGrawWhat can you do starting today? Stop everything, regroup, assess the situation, and implement damage control. Try the feel good thing. Is it really that simple? Self-preservation seems appropriate here and may provide the necessary encouragement that your identity is not completely lost. So, for this reason, I see the value in adopting the "enjoy healing" advice. Remember, the more you persevere and give to your marriage, the more your marriage gives back in the form of security, pride, happiness, fulfillment, etc... you can make your own list of terms that measure reward for you.Grant yourself some space. Give yourself the time and a place where you can be alone and just get in touch with your true self. Do something that is totally you - something that you do for yourself and by yourself - something that you've always found satisfying, gratifying, comforting, rewarding, get the idea. Make yourself feel like you are 'as you' as possible. Consider the most basic and simple things that appeal to your senses - the things that allow you personal space, security and flexibility. Be aware of your needs and tend to them as best you can.The goal is to establish a sense of relief, self-worth and security - and remove you from all the distraction going on in your life that is interfering with your ability to feel like yourself. Take your time with this - and keep it simple.This is a good place to start if you are fearful and insecure around your partner. You may fear being yourself, are discouraged from being yourself, or feel you've been stripped of all you are by your partner or the situation you are struggling with. Maybe you are being extremely yourself, and are being ignored and degraded to the extent that you and your feelings don't exist at all. You can't focus on problems if you can't access your natural, uninhibited sense of self, and expect to manage issues that require personal stability. You likely rely on a persona or alter-ego to show up in your place. (Jungian - a sort of mask worn for public presence.) Getting back in touch with your personal integrity will create the self-dignity and capacity to resolve and re-process your situation with more constructive, truthful, and sincere motivations.The health benefits of assuming control over this kind of behavior are a powerful resource that you will notice immediately - and continue to develop and put into daily use. It is important to surround yourself with as much supportive input as you see fit. Choose whatever resources appeal to you - whether it's people, books, counceling, exercise, education, religion - any activity you are comfortable with accepting into your life. They will go a long way in helping you manage yourself and your circumstances more effectively. Read more about how to save your marriage Your ability to make use of behavior is most effective in transforming not only yourself, but how you interact and function in the world we live.Remember that we influence each other through our behavior, and your partner will likely match the mood or tone in which you choose to express your own concerns - and appreciate (be influenced by) how you now respond to his or her concerns as well. You are not changing anyone or anything. You are assuming control of how feelings and differences are expressed, and taking responsibility for the outcome by intentionally demanding the quality of communication be of a higher standard, in hopes that unbiased and genuine solutions become revealed - and ultimately possible.We are individuals and will express our uniqueness through our behavior. We tend to challenge each other defensively and don't always consider that we might get more favorable results if we focused on what can be agreed upon. The matter of right and wrong has no meaning. There is power in the pride you create when you can respect the value for your partners point of view - ultimately arriving at constructive (and truthful) conclusions together. Your circumstances may remain challenging, but maybe you can manage them without all the unnecessary hardship and drama.   For more info visit how to save your marriage      


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